When Schools Aren't Safe: A Therapist's Guide to Coping with School Shootings
I am writing this as both a mother and a trauma therapist. Today, I watched my kindergartener get on the bus for school and pictured my teenager driving to school and walk through those familiar high school doors, just like thousands of other parents did yesterday morning. But yesterday was different for families in Minneapolis, where two children, ages 8 and 10, were killed during Mass at Annunciation Catholic School, and 17 others were injured.
As a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma, I know the clinical side of what happens after violence like this. But as a mother of two children, I also know the gut-wrenching fear that grips you when you realize it could have been your child.
I felt compelled to write this today because I know many of you are struggling with the same mix of professional knowledge and parental terror that I am. Gun violence in schools has become a harsh reality that affects millions of students, families, and communities. The trauma doesn't just affect those who were there. It spreads through families, neighborhoods, and entire communities - including those of us watching from afar, holding our own children a little tighter.
When violence happens at school, it breaks something fundamental. Schools should be safe places where kids learn and grow. When that safety is shattered, it creates wounds that run deep.
If you're a parent reading this, I want you to know that your fear is real and valid. Every morning when you hug your child goodbye, that knot in your stomach is normal. The way you find yourself checking your phone during the day, waiting for that text that they're safe - that's not paranoia. That's being a parent in 2025.
The Daily Reality of Parenting in Fear
Every parent reading this knows the ritual. You wake up and, for just a moment, everything feels normal. Then reality hits. You're sending your most precious people into a world where violence can happen anywhere, even in the places meant to be safest.
You might find yourself lingering at drop-off, wanting just one more hug. You might feel embarrassed by how often you check the school's social media, looking for signs that everything is okay. You might have nightmares about getting "that call" or feel your heart race every time an unknown number appears on your phone.
Some days, you might feel angry at having to live this way. Other days, you might feel numb to it all. Both reactions are normal. This is not the world we thought we'd be raising our children in, and grieving that loss of innocence is part of this process.
Your children feel your worry, even when you try to hide it. They're carrying their own fears about safety while also trying to protect you from how scared they really are. For young kids, fear often shows up in stomach aches and emotional dysregulation. This creates a cycle of fear and protection that runs through entire families.
Understanding Trauma Responses
Trauma from gun violence shows up in many ways. Your body and mind are trying to protect you, even when the danger has passed. Common responses include:
Physical symptoms: Racing heart, trouble sleeping, headaches, or feeling jumpy at loud noises.
Emotional symptoms: Fear, anger, sadness, or feeling numb. Some people feel guilty for surviving when others didn't.
Mental symptoms: Trouble focusing, flashbacks, or constantly thinking about what happened.
Behavioral changes: Avoiding certain places, staying home more, or checking exits wherever you go.
These reactions are normal. Your brain is doing what it's supposed to do after something scary happens. There's no "right" way to respond to trauma.
Practical Steps for Coping
Create safety in your daily life. Control what you can control. This might mean learning about your school's safety plans, knowing where exits are, or carrying a small comfort item. For parents, this might mean having clear communication plans with your kids or knowing exactly who to call if something happens. Small actions can help you feel more in control.
It's okay to ask your child's school about their safety procedures. You're not being overprotective - you're being a parent. You have the right to know how your child's school prepares for emergencies.
Accept that some fear is reasonable. We live in a time when school violence is a real possibility. Pretending it can't happen doesn't make anyone safer. Your vigilance isn't excessive - it's adaptive. The goal isn't to eliminate all fear, but to not let fear control your life or your child's life.
Limit news and social media. Constant exposure to violence stories can make trauma worse. Choose specific times to check news, then step away. Your mind needs breaks from difficult information.
Connect with others. Trauma wants you to feel alone. Fight against isolation by staying connected to people who care about you. Talk to friends, family, or support groups. Other parents understand this fear in ways that people without children simply cannot. Find your tribe - the people who get why you need to know your child arrived safely, why you volunteer for field trips you used to avoid, why you memorize what your child wears each morning. Sharing your feelings with others helps lighten the load.
Practice grounding techniques. When fear takes over, grounding brings you back to the present moment. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste.
Keep routines when possible. Trauma disrupts normal life. Keeping some routines gives you stability. This might be your morning coffee, evening walk, or weekly call with a friend.
When to Seek Professional Help
Some people can work through trauma with support from friends and family. Others need professional help. Consider Trauma Therapy if you're having:
Panic attacks or severe anxiety that doesn't improve
Trouble sleeping for weeks
Thoughts of hurting yourself
Problems doing daily activities like work or school
Feeling disconnected from people you care about
Therapy isn't a sign of weakness. It's a tool for healing, just like medicine helps your body recover from injury.
Moving Forward Without Moving On
Healing doesn't mean forgetting what happened or "getting over it." It means learning to carry the experience without it controlling your life. You can honor what happened while still building a future.
Recovery isn't linear. Some days will be harder than others. That's part of the process, not a sign that you're failing.
Gun violence trauma affects whole communities. Healing happens in community too. By taking care of yourself and supporting others, you become part of the solution. Your healing matters, not just for you, but for everyone around you.
You have the strength to get through this. Take it one day at a time.
Free Brainspotting and psychological support for those in Minneapolis, MN who have been impacted by the Annunciation school Shooting:
