Complex Trauma and Self-Sabotage: Why Success Feels Uncomfortable

You finally have a relationship that's going well. Your partner is kind, consistent, and treats you with respect. So why does it feel wrong? Why are you picking fights or finding reasons to push them away?

If you've lived through trauma, especially complex trauma or childhood trauma, this pattern might sound familiar. It's not that you're broken or incapable of happiness. Your nervous system and beliefs about yourself are doing exactly what they were trained to do: keep you safe by maintaining what feels familiar.

When Calm Feels Dangerous

Complex trauma happens when you experience repeated harmful events over time, usually in relationships where you should have felt safe (uhm…parents). This might include ongoing emotional neglect, abuse, or living in an unpredictable home where you never knew what to expect.

Here's what many people don't understand: when you grow up in chaos, your body learns that chaos equals normal. Your nervous system becomes wired to stay alert, scanning for danger. It gets really good at operating in crisis mode.

Then something shifts. You find yourself in a healthy relationship or a stable job. Things are calm. And your body doesn't know what to do with that.

Calm can actually feel more stressful than chaos when you've experienced complex trauma. Your nervous system interprets peace as "the calm before the storm." It's waiting for the other shoe to drop. This constant state of unease your body trying to protect you based on what it’s learned from the past.

The Beliefs Trauma Builds

Childhood trauma doesn't just live in your body. It shapes the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you deserve.

When you're young and experiencing hurt from the people supposed to care for you, your brain tries to make sense of it. But children can't usually think, "My caregiver is struggling with their own issues." Instead, they think, "Something must be wrong with me."

These beliefs become your foundation: "I'm not worthy of love. I'm too much. I'm not enough. I don't deserve good things. People always leave."

You carry these beliefs into adulthood, even when they're no longer true. They become the lens through which you see yourself and your place in the world.

When Good Things Don't Match Your Story

Now here's where self-sabotage enters the picture.

When you encounter healthy relationships or calm environments, these experiences don't match the beliefs you've held about yourself for years. There's a disconnect between what's happening now and what your internal narrative says should happen.

It's deeply uncomfortable to hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time. Your brain wants consistency, even if that consistency is negative or harmful.

So what does your mind do? It works to bring your external reality back in line with your internal beliefs. If you believe you're not worthy of love, receiving love creates tension. If you believe calm means danger is coming, peace feels unbearable.

Self-sabotage becomes a way to resolve that tension. You might start arguments over small things. You might pull away emotionally or create distance. You might engage in behaviors that you know will damage the relationship. Not because you want to hurt yourself or others, but because returning to familiar pain feels safer than sitting with unfamiliar peace.

When you grow up in chaos, your body learns that chaos equals normal…your nervous system interprets peace as "the calm before the storm.

Breaking the Pattern: Three Key Changes

Understanding why you self-sabotage is the first step toward change. Your reactions make sense given what you've been through. You're not defective. You're responding to old programming that once kept you safe.

Here are three concrete changes you can make to interrupt the self-sabotage cycle:

1. Notice the discomfort without acting on it. When calm feels uncomfortable or good things trigger anxiety, pause. Name what's happening: "My nervous system thinks peace is dangerous." You don't have to fix the feeling or make it go away. Just observe it. This creates space between the trigger and your response, giving you a choice instead of defaulting to sabotage. Even if you sit in this feeling one extra second, you are helping your nervous system change.

2. Challenge one belief at a time. Pick one negative belief about yourself and actively look for evidence against it. If you believe "people always leave," notice when someone stays. Keep a running list. Your brain will resist this because it wants to maintain consistency, but consistent evidence builds new neural pathways. Small, repeated challenges to old beliefs are more effective than trying to overhaul everything at once.

3. Practice staying in healthy moments. When something good happens, resist the urge to dismiss it, minimize it, or immediately create a problem. Sit with it for 30 seconds longer than feels comfortable. Build your tolerance for positive experiences the same way you'd build a muscle. It will feel awkward and wrong at first. That's normal. You're teaching your nervous system that safety can actually be safe.

Healing is hard work, and it often requires trauma therapy from a therapist who understands. But these changes give you practical tools to start interrupting patterns today. You can learn to tolerate peace without destroying it. The patterns can change, but it starts with compassion for why they existed in the first place.

Ready to Break Free from Self-Sabotage?

If you recognize yourself in these patterns and you're tired of getting in your own way, you don't have to figure this out alone. Trauma-informed therapy can help you understand the root causes of self-sabotage and develop strategies tailored to your specific experiences.

If you're ready to explore therapy or have questions about whether this work is right for you, reach out. Taking that first step is an act of courage, and it might be the most important move you make toward the life you deserve.